My story

2009-08-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be good to give a brief background of my journey so far in breastfeeding my first son. When I had Eli, I had a totally natural childbirth, which in retrospect is amazing, given that he turned out to be 9 lbs! He only lost about 1/2 lb. in his first week, which was far less than the threshold of losing 10% body weight before a baby is classified as "failure to thrive."

But then, over the next month, he didn't seem to regain his weight as quickly as it seemed he should (he gained a pound in one month, where often the average weight gain is 2 pounds). Our pediatrician didn't seem to be concerned, saying that some babies don't gain as much as others, and that one pound was perfectly normal. She also didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that he wasn't sleeping very much (8-10 hrs per day, vs. the typical 16-20). Add to that the fact that at most nursing sessions I was nursing him over an hour each session, 8 times a day, and you got one exhausted mother! Between trying to nurse him, and then him not sleeping well, and his frequent nursing sessions, I didn't know how I would make it.

When I called lactation consultants, they had differing opinions. They all asked about his diaper output, and it seemed to be okay (8 wet diapers a day with several bowel movements). As for my concerns about his weight gain, they too seemed to be nonplussed about his lower than normal weight gain. They asked me if it looked like he was drinking, and I said yes. Now I know that there's a big difference in what you think looks like drinking, and what actually is. I personally think that it's a bad idea for a first time mom to get only advice over the phone, because often what we think looks like a good latch or swallowing is not the case at all. With this next baby, even if they think I'm overreacting, I want to schedule a session with the lactation consultant in the hospital, 1 week later, and then 2 weeks later to make sure I'm doing everything right.

In addition to this new world of breastfeeding, we had lots of visitors. My in-laws were here the first week to "help out," which they did, but they also suggested repairs we needed to get done, such as a leaky heater. Of course we did need to fix it, but the repair guys didn't come until after my help had left, so there I was, trying to nurse, and having repair guys sawing through our dry-wall and popping their heads in my room every now and then to consult with me. I was stressed whether "help" was there or not, because I worried that I wasn't getting Eli to sleep easily enough, or feeding him enough, or feeding him too often . . . you get the picture.

About two weeks after my in-laws left, my brother-in-law (husband's brother) came to visit, and right after he left, my mom and stepdad came for a few days. After that, my dad and my stepmom came a few weeks later, and during all of this time, I was also trying to help a friend to a research project with the refugees living in our apartment building (I had to serve as translator), and tutoring some middle-school students as well. By the time my dad and stepmom had left, and I had attended a Turkish wedding with my friend to finish her research project, it was no surprise that I was wiped out, and had developed an awful clogged milk duct.

This clogged milk duct quickly turned into mastitis, and after I saw an OB/GYN about it, she prescribed an antibiotic for me. I was told to rest as much as possible, but it felt impossible, given that my son was still nursing round-the-clock. My clogged milk duct didn't clear up either, despite advice from friends to massage it, even if it hurt. I would stand there crying in the shower from the pain, feeling inadequate because a) I couldn't feed my son enough, and b) I couldn't get this stupid clogged duct to clear up. Again, I was on the phone with lactation consultants and advice nurses, who gave me differing opinions. Some told me I needed to put warm compresses on it, others said, no, ice was the best thing. When I told an advice nurse about 7 days into the pain and antibiotics that I still had a hard lump there, she told me to massage it, and that if I didn't massage it till it hurt, I wasn't doing it hard enough.

This was probably one of the lowest points of my post-partum experience. If things hadn't turned around soon, I'm pretty sure I would have fallen into serious depression. There was no end in sight for me at that point, and every day I felt like a failure on a multiple number of levels.

One of the lactation consultants suggested I come to a mom's group at the hospital, and so I packed up my son and went. I ran into another mom on her way to the group at the hospital, and saw her chubby little son. I thought he must have been much older, but when I realized that he was the same age as my son, I was so upset inwardly. My son had grown over 4 inches in six weeks, but had gained only a pound and a half. You could see his ribs when we changed his diapers.

The lactation consultant suggested that I come see her when I told her that I felt like I was having problems, and that I was battling mastitis as well. We made an appointment for a few days later.

On the day of the appointment, I sat down, and she told me to go ahead and start nursing my son. I chose to nurse him on the breast that had mastitis - why, I don't know, but I just did. She was busy checking something on her computer and then glanced over to check and see how he was latched on. Her eyes widened in shock. "Oh, my God," she said. "Sweetie, I think you have an abscess."

Really? You don't say. Maybe that's why I looked like I had a huge red Pamela-Anderson-like red breast on my left side. But who was I to say? I was just a first time mom who had been told repeatedly that I just needed to "massage" my clogged milk duct away. I'm sure I sound a little angry about it now. I wasn't then, only relieved at least that someone could literally see my pain.

The LC said that we would probably have to re-schedule the consultation session, because I needed to see an OB-GYN right away. She got on the phone and got me an appointment to see someone within an hour. At that appointment as well, the OB-GYN said, "Well, let's just take a look at it first before we diagnose it," and then his eyes too widened in shock when he saw it. He got on the phone immediately with radiology to see if they could aspirate it with a needle. But when they tried, the infection was so thick that nothing would come out, so they had to send me to the ER.

To make a long story short, the ER staff was concerned about lancing the abscess right away, which was the next solution if an aspiration attempt failed, and said that it might be better to put me on IV antibiotics for a few days in the hospital and give me 100% bedrest to see if it would clear up the infection to the point of them being able to aspirate it later. Their concern was that if they lanced it, it might cut across some milk ducts and cut off my supply permanently. So, I ended up spending a few days in the hospital, and my husband had to stay there because I needed to have my son there to breastfeed, and they didn't want me having to take care of him when I wasn't breastfeeding.

A few days after being admitted, the surgeon came to check on me and tried to aspirate the infection with a needle. This time, it did come out, but after he had used up several syringes trying to clear things out, he said that there was so much infection in there that he was going to have to cut it open and drain it out so that he could make sure all of the infection was gone.

I remember looking away when he made the cut, gazing at my son, and holding my husband's hand. I focused as much as I could on my son, and despite all of the pain, think that this was probably one of the first times I really truly bonded with him, because I knew I was doing this for him. After he was finished, the doctor said to my husband that I had to have had quite a high tolerance for pain, because the abscess was so large.

After the surgery, I had to have a couple of weeks where they sent home nurses to pack and unpack the wound in my breast. That wasn't much fun either, but eventually it closed up and healed. I continued to try and nurse on that breast, and strangely enough, it produced more milk than the uninfected one. I also tried to work with the lactation consultant to improve my milk supply, because once she did a measurement of how much I was producing, it was only an ounce or two per breast, which wasn't enough for my growing son.

But after several weeks of trying, using a hospital-grade pump, taking fenugreek, and resting, the LC said that with all seriousness, I was going to need to supplement with formula. She didn't want me to give up on breastfeeding, but just to supplement a little. I did continue to do this, but once I hit about 6 months into my son's life, and continued to battle clogged milk ducts and stress from all the pumping after each session, I felt like psychologically it was doing me and my son more harm than good to continue breastfeeding. So, at seven months, I weaned him. It wasn't even hard. I never got engorged.

And he and I were just fine.

So what did I learn from all of this, that hopefully I'll use this time around?

Trust your gut if you think something is wrong.

Don't be embarassed to ask for help - heck, even demand it, despite what the "experts" say.

Don't put too much on your schedule
I don't know how much this one will work out - I have a two-year-old now. But I know for sure that everything else - visitors, housework, special requests for help - are not as important as getting my milk supply established.

Don't feel like a failure if it doesn't work out - it doesn't mean you didn't try.

But don't be afraid to try again.

I'm still working on this last one. I have to admit, though I'm trying to educate myself on all of the best foods and supplements and practices I can establish to help this time go much better, I'm afraid it won't work. I'm afraid of failing, of watching my second son fall off the growth charts like my first one did, and of hearing everyone tell me it's all in my head. I'm afraid that I won't know what a good latch-on is, despite trying to watch so many videos on the subject. I'm afraid I don't have enough breast tissue to begin with (I'm not large chested), and that all of these efforts will be in vain. And I'm afraid of the times when I take my son to see our relatives, and they comment on how skinny he is, and say things to him like, "They really need to fatten you up, don't they?" when I'm nursing him 10 hours a day and surviving on four hours of sleep.

But I'm trying to hope, and hoping to try. A piece of advice I read recently that was encouraging was just to take one day at a time. I can't control how the next couple of months will go, but I can try each day, each session, each time I hold my next son, to love him, and feed him. And if the feeding part doesn't go the way I'd like, I know it will be okay.

Can you say that a little louder? Please?

2009-08-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

So as I've been attempting to prepare myself to give it my best shot, once again, to breastfeed my baby, I've been researching books and sources online in terms of what works best. I also need to muster up the courage to place a call to my local lactation consultant to see what she thinks I should do to prepare. Part of me doesn't want to do this, because I'm afraid that she'll say I'm doing way too much to prepare in what I want to do, and then . . . well, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't worry about what she says.

Anyway, I did find a couple of books on the topic of increasing your milk supply specifically:

Mother Food: A Breastfeeding Diet Guide with Lactogenic Food and Herbs - Build Milk Supply, Boost Immunity, Lift Depression, Detox, Lose Weight, Optimize a Baby's IQ, and Reduce Colic and Allergies, by Hilary Jacobson.

The Breastfeeding Mother's Guide to Making More Milk, by Diane West

The first book (Mother Food) I decided to go ahead and order after looking at excerpts of it on Google Books. The second book looked to be available in our local library, but when I trotted my 38 weeks pregnant self down there yesterday, it was not where it appeared to be. Now, in normal situations, I would just ask the information people to help me, but on that given day, there were two men working at the desk. I decided to keep on looking for the book, but eventually found another female librarian and asked her to help me.

"What was the book you were looking for?" she asked.

"The Breastfeeding Mother's Guide to Making More Milk," I whispered.

Of course, didn't hear me that well, and went back to her desk to look it up. "Can you repeat that one more time?" I practically died, and repeated it again, trying to not say it too loudly.

Unfortunately, it didn't result in us finding the book. Oh well. I'll see what Mother Food brings up for me. In another post, I'll list out the foods I'll be trying to incorporate in my diet once I have the baby to give me the best chance possible from a diet perspective.

Feeling stuffed!

2009-08-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

In my last pregnancy, I gained about 44 lbs. With this one, I've tried to watch my weight more, and so far, I've only gained 27 lbs. I was hoping to finish at 25, but with a couple weeks to go, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. That's okay, though . . . I'm really trying to focus on the health and good start of the baby this time around. I keep on telling myself that the reason I can't fit into most of my maternity clothes anymore in these last few weeks is that my body is storing up fat "For the baby." :)

The last time, I started to work out 2 weeks post-partum, but I don't think that was good for milk production or my body in general. I also had a lot of stress because we had several visitors from out of town in the first month post-partum, and given my type A personality, I was constantly worried that I wasn't doing something right with the baby. I really do think that stress contributed to part of my low milk supply. I'm going to try to relax more this time.

Welcome to my blog

2009-08-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

Hi there! I started this blog to chronicle my experiences as I try to exclusively breastfeed my 2nd child. I had a really hard time with my first, and am about to give birth to my second. This isn't meant to be an authoritative blog at all, just my experiences and links to resources I have found. Hopefully you'll find it helpful too!

Oh, and I'm also going to include some sections on post-partum recovery, particularly as it relates to my own issues (getting my stomach back in shape, post-partum weight loss, etc.).

Thanks for visiting!

Milk Machine

My story

Can you say that a little louder? Please?

Feeling stuffed!

Welcome to my blog